Dear Mr. Crusoe,
I appreciate the fact that you have spent a good bit of time on a strange island with very little in the way of company. Also, I am sympathetic to the belief that you would need to dedicate your conscious efforts in various forms in order to keep yourself from losing your mind, I understand that these decisions were likely the only things keeping you sane during your tenure on the deserted isle.
However, this does not mean I give even the slightest hint of a shit about the minute vector details of the island's coastline. Nor do I possess even the tiniest fucking desire to endure a lecture on your skills in the realm of carpentry.
If you wish our friendship to continue, I would kindly ask that you cut the tedious horseshit and stick to the meat of the story.
Yours,
F
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On a side note, I recently purchased a pair of shirts featuring Deadpool and Gambit. Words cannot describe how goddamn excited I am to own said shirts.
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ReplyDeleteDearest Fio,
ReplyDeleteI understand that some of the details in my narrative may not interest you. I ask you to remember, though, that if my story had not been published, "novelists" as we know them might not even exist, so please--a little respect. And if deference toward your elders does not come naturally to you, please be advised that I own several guns, and if you display the same insolence in future, I will be forced to put a cap in your ass.
Yours, sincerely,
Robinson Crusoe
Dear Mr. Crusoe,
ReplyDeleteI certainly recognize the importance of your contribution to the literary canon, however I must continue to uphold the student's most holy right of whining ineffectually about the irritating minutia of assigned readings.
I must also admit that I find your threat of caps in asses quite amusing. Need I remind you that you are, indeed, a fictional character and that your very existence is subjective and constrained by the perspective and imagination of each of your readers. As such, there is really nothing stopping me from penning a short piece in which your canoe is overturned in an unfortunate accident and you are horrifically and painfully devoured by an enraged school of humbolt squid.
Not to put too fine a point on it, but just a reminder that it is well within my abilities.
Yours,
F
Dearest Fio,
ReplyDeleteYou have forgotten my secret weapon: THE LORD. I'm special, you see--a member of the elect. God will protect me from your leviathan and from any other plot devices you throw in my way.
Sincerely yours,
Robinson Crusoe
Dear Mr. Crusoe,
ReplyDeleteOnce again you underestimate the vulnerability of your position as a fictional character. You exist in (what could possibly be) the same universe as many an author's canon. This means it is certainly possible that your "lord" is nothing more than a fabricated hoax, and that the true deities in rule of this world are the uncaring Old Ones of H.P. Lovecraft's (Early 20th century pulp writer) canon.
It would be so unfortunate for you and Yours to be devoured by the uncaring, unfeeling Azathoth, or the Key and the Gate Yog-Sothoth...
But once more, in the realm of fiction, all is possible.
As Neil Gaiman once said, "Literature is the World."
Yours,
F